In my old age I find myself a universal grandmother. It is a spiritual state of mind. As I look into the eyes of my grandchildren I see all the children of the world.

It is from this universal vision that I offer selected journal entries of my inner journey from midlife and menopause into old age: Glimpses of that vast migration to the soul, from the awakening of the long exiled Divine Feminine to the awareness of myself as a piece of the universe struggling to know itself.

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It is for you my precious grandchildren that I write about moments of awakening so that you will not forget; so that you will know that the story at this moment in our evolution is about the return of the Divine Feminine into our world and that your task is to welcome her in your hearts, minds and souls.

Her return symbolizes the shift in consciousness necessary for a new world based on the interrelatedness of all life, a world without exiles. But, it also tells us that on a deep instinctual, archetypal level that we are ready to join nature and spirit and accept the gift of consciousness bestowed upon us.

If you listen with your heart, you will hear the cries of the species. They are calling for the Divine Feminine. They are calling for you.

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Exiled for thousands of years, the Goddess has come home. And none too soon, for she creates the balance in our species necessary for our survival. Until her renascence I had forgotten who I was, amnesia drifted into my soul. I thought I was matter separated from spirit, transcendent without immanence, isolated, when in reality my family consists of all life forms, the sacred Earth, all things green breathing me. All were forgotten. Each day, the messages and institutions of one sided cultures filled me with philosophies of exile, separation and death.

The state of grace, radical acceptance and oneness with the universe that accompanied the rebirth of the goddess gradually awakened within me, as the feminine swam to the surface from the deep unconsciousness of my psyche.

A profound inner balance resonated within my soul. It has taken 75 years to awaken to the spirit within the sacred vessel of my body. I am in awe of it, grateful for it, and astounded by the depth of universal wholeness that has made itself known to me.

Each day I consciously choose to embrace the archetypal shamanka who lives in my millennial soul. She speaks to me of sacred worlds, in the language of radical acceptance, in symbols and images of the Divine Feminine, in poetic expression, and I hear her not as a sensed voice or in words, but in the language embedded in the bonds between us.

For before I die I must touch who I am.

My lifetime has become the unfolding of oneness into consciousness, a task set for our species that is to be lived by each of us.

And so, my legacy to you my darling grandchildren is a life lived in pilgrimage to the soul where the Divine Feminine lives in all her radiance.

-Grandma Awakening, 2012

Literary Works

I looked up and saw a spirit wandering

buffeted by wailing winds

Separated from me,

Lost in existential angst,

Raging against the savage predator within

Blind to our creatureliness and our severance of consciousness

"Come", I whispered softly

"come to me...

For I am the feeder of dreams".

In old days while musing

On my childhood

Attachment to mother severely severed

Severely sever-ed

I came upon Nivea

A presence from within

An image birth from the depths of my soul

From the depths of my lost soul

She is sacred feminine

Great Mother returning

Always with me now

Silently with me now..

In here. Right here. Just here.

She carries me in love

Once again. Once again. Once again.

The severance of consciousness healed

Out of the primeval mist, an Ancient Siberian Shamanka, in robes of kaleidoscope, papoose tied to her heart, travels down through the millennia on her totem Amur, to lead us into the new world.

An archetypal image, her unitive soul lights the inner darkness. No longer exiled, I am returning to the path of wholeness, to the dreams of the species, to the inner life, to the sacred rhythms of my body, to ancient structures and songs, to archtypal energies, to the fullness of my species.

Mother has come home

and heaven and earth rejoice

So you see my darling grandchildren, you belong to an ongoing story, a dream of wholeness, a cosmic family millions of years old, kin to every species from the first spark of life. Your task is to carry this precious dream of wholeness forward for your children and the children of generations to come.

Mother Has Come Home (2013)

A fierce responsibility calls to me in old age as I prepare for death. It cannot be left to chance or saved for a rainy day, or a more convenient moment. A call to wholeness is upon me. It demands a coming together, a joining, a bridge connecting the soaring heights and nethermost depths within me.

After a lifetime of internecine warfare I find myself on that intrepid journey into consciousness in a species that has lost its way. In the absence of a unitive framework, the polarities that stand in readiness for their detained joining are waiting...waiting...

How am I to come home to myself, to join nature and spirit and fulfill my destiny of wholeness? I draw upon the revolution in women's consciousness, the return of long exiled feminine principles and women's way of knowing to resurrect the wholeness necessary for my task.

A refugee in my own species, the feminine half of my species nature has been cast aside for millennia. Abandoned, I have been wandering in search of myself for five thousand years. If you listen you will hear the call of the instinctual, archetypal depths of life summoning mother's return. And she has responded. Mother has come home.

The tender mercies of her unconditional love, the resonant depths of her radical acceptance, her sacred bonding with all life forms - with our precious Gaia, her ecstatic experience of spirit in body are awakening from a long sleep of exile and are streaming through the world at this crossroad of our evolution - and that has changed everything: theories, philosophies, paradigms, customs, mores, and mythologies.

As women's way of knowing finds its way back into consciousness and culture, a new vision of wholeness is struggling to be born. For, without the feminine beloved, without women's life-giving principles, the one eyed vision of patriarchy with its unrelenting emphasis on separation has become a predatory and bestial detour. Holocausts, genocide, wars, and the ritual destruction of women and children are their legacy for future generations.

We have lost sight of our foundations. We simply cannot declare war on half of our own nature and remain a viable species, for we belong to an ongoing story, born of an evolutionary matrix.

Midwife to my own rebirth, I am wading through centuries of exile, uncovering women's way of knowing to being back a species in crisis. It is part of the process of helping myself awaken from a soulless existence to sacrifice a familiar but exiled self and bear the convulsive birth throes of a new consciousness that embraces the long forgotten feminine. It is this consciousness that acknowledges the deep wound in my heart, in all hearts, as we face each day, each year, each century, each millennia, exiled, raped, battered, enslaved, demeaned, edited out of history, and unequal under the law.

Enough, the species cry as they dream us back from exile. Enough.